Keep up with everything Brenda has to offer!
Keep up with everything Brenda has to offer!
#036: On Sharing Our Truths and Other Bad Ideas
When I was recording this podcast, I thought I was going to get a cramp in my hand from all the air quotes I was doing around the word truth. Because it really should be “truth.”
When we start growing and having breakthroughs and learning about ourselves and seeing things in a new light and gaining insights at every turn, it’s only natural to want to share those “truths” with the people around us, especially those we care about the most.
But sharing your “truths” is not always a good idea. In fact, it’s usually a really bad idea. You could even look at it as bullying. Yes, really.
Look, when your conscious mind can only process 50 to 60 bits of information per second out of the millions of bits that are available for us to focus on, do you really think that any other person is going to be focusing on the same 50 to 60 bits as you? Is their “truth” going to look like yours? Uh, no. No chance.
And for you to barge into someone else’s world, into someone else’s experience, into someone else’s truths, and expect them to understand and validate your truths… Well, I hope you can see that that’s a tall order. In most cases, you’re going come across as annoying and needy…at the very least.
When you get the urge to share “truth” with others, take a step back. Chunk up. Look at the big picture, and ask yourself, “For what purpose do I want to share this?” Your intention is critical here. Get in touch with your positive intentions — to feel connected, to be closer to those you love, etc. Make sure that you approach things from a place of positivity and commonality. And if, in your sharing, you sense defensiveness or get negative vibes from the other person, respect their time and respect your intention by stopping, taking a break, and reevaluating your approach.
Remember, the sucks-for-you meaning of communication is the response you get. The response you get matters. Let that sink in.
At the very least, rethink what you hope to gain from sharing your “truth.” Is whatever you’re hoping to gain realistic? Is it a fair and reasonable to have that expectation of those around you?
Thanks for listening!
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Links from today’s episode:
- Episode 1 — We learned about the RAS, the Reticular Activating System
- Episode 2 — We learned that perception is projection
- Episode 23 — The sucks-for-you meaning of communication
To help out the show:
Brenda: Hey there. Welcome to Episode 36 of the Mind Revolution Podcast. I am your host, Brenda Terry. A big, warm thank you to you for tuning in today. And my wish for you, as always, is that wherever you for and whatever you’re finding yourself doing right now, that are you feeling good and that you know that you are fantastic and you know that inside without anybody telling you. And that is where you’re working from today. This is what you’re doing the things that you’re doing from today. And that, as a result, you’re just spreading the love all the way around.
Things here in Reno are gorgeous. The leaves are starting to turn into those beautiful fall colors. This is absolutely one of my favorite times of the year. I also love it when it snows. I’m from California, so snow to me is just fun. People who live here or have lived here for a long time, they just say that that’s not their favorite time. And for me, I just love looking at snow-covered streets. And so looking forward to that not too long from now.
Today we’re going to talk about something that I think is really kind of cool because I’ve had conversations with people, and something happens when it comes to creating this content. It just seems that I tend to have similar conversations with several people, and as a result, I get podcast episode ideas or I’ll get some feedback from a listener, and I’ll get all that stuff from all over the place. And then I create this content.
And so the conversation lately — I’ve had four different conversations about the same thing, and that is the concept of sharing our truth. Sharing our truth and sharing who we are and being true to ourselves, then sharing that truth with others, because it’s so important to us that they know our truth.
So, yes. Sharing our truth. And I remember a time in my life when I thought sharing my truth was just so critical. Ron can tell you all about it. I used to sit him down and tell him all my truths. And he never really shared much, so I really was kind of mad at him because I thought, “You need to share your truths too because my truth is to share my truth, and I also feel that it is really important for you to share your truth so that we can be together in truth and then live happily ever after.”
And so I had a couple of conversations this week with a couple of really beautiful people who are just magnetic in who they are in their energy. So much energy. And they’re just people who I know are going to be the movers and the shakers coming right up because of that. And when I say “movers and shakers,” I really mean people who go in there and help others change the way they view the world. That’s how I see them. They’re going to bring fresh perspective. They’re doing so already.
So here they are. And part of that happens as a result of them really digging their heels in when it comes to their truth and what that means to them. And you should know that as I’m saying “truth” here I’m literally using air quotes. “Truth.” Truth is so relative.
So my question to these people when they said that, I just felt a little bit like an S.O.B. when I said it, but you know what, I was fun because I just wanted to see what happened in the neurology. And using sensory acuity, I could that sometimes it was well received. Other times I was like “Ooh, maybe I should have stepped back a little bit and not shared my truth about sharing truths,” which is what I was doing.
Because when someone says to me, “You know, I really need to share my truth. It’s really important to me that I do this and I’m sharing my truth as I’m doing it. And it’s really important that they understand my truth” — whoever “they” are — and my question is also, “Who says? Who says that it’s important for us to share our truths with other people? Who says that they want to hear it? Who says that they’re going to get it? And who says that they’re going to be on the same page? And who says that the result of sharing our truths means that we’re going to come together? And isn’t it possible that the result of sharing what we call truth for ourselves is going to then maybe create some sort of divide?”
So if we know that we are processing two million bits of information per second, per second — not per minute, not per hour, not per day — per second, we’re processing 50 to 60 bits consciously out of that two million bits available. 50 to 60 bits — it’s like a grain of sand in all the beach. Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never counted little sand granules. But you can imagine it’s a lot of stuff that we’re not seeing, because the 50 to 60 bits that come in are all as a result of our focus.
So you have two people sharing an experience, having the same information in front of them, and they’re going to look at it completely differently. And completely means not entirely completely, and it will be different enough to where there can be some discord, because we filter information differently. We always do.
And, by the way, Carl Jung said that our unconscious mind, of need — meaning it needs to do this — will project deeply unconscious information out to our environment via people and events so that we can become aware. So the learning there, the possibility there, is to become aware of what we’re thinking inside. Stuff that’s deeply unconscious that we’re not familiar with. And especially when we look at somebody and we’re like “That is so not me,” Carl Jung would tell you, “Oh, yes, it is you. You’re just not aware of it. There’s elements there that are you.”
And in you knowing that, within that knowledge bubble, then you have power to change the projection out into the world that you’re putting out there, because then if you begin to change the perception inside and how you feel about that projection, then the projection must change. It will, because you have shifted your focus. Everything here is based on focus, in thanks to the reticular activating system.
So you train your RAS to focus on things that are wanted, then you’re going to get more of what’s wanted.
And you always know if you’re focusing in the places that you’re wanting to focus because you’re going to have an experience that’s going to tell you, and it’s going to match what your focus is.
And again, this is all unconscious. We’re doing this unconsciously. We don’t mean to do it.
So when we’re talking about truths and what the truth is and our truths and living in our truth, etc., etc., etc… And I don’t mean to poke fun at this. Sometimes maybe a little because I just find it interesting. I find it interesting because we get so connected to what that is.
When you find yourself saying, “It’s true,” just know that it means it’s true for you, and it doesn’t necessarily mean true for others, even the people who are closest to us.
I can tell you that I have conversations with my clients. I have conversations with my kids. I have conversations with Ron, with my mom, and we can look at one thing and see it two very different ways. Absolutely. And yet there’s value in that. There’s value in the varying perspectives. Because if you’re aware of them, then they’re all you. They’re all you.
So when things are working out, it’s you. When things are not working out, it’s you. And I don’t expect you to believe me and just take the words and own them. I would love for you to go and try it and see that thing that you’re hearing outside that doesn’t please you, if you were to change how you feel about it, if you changed the perception around it, if you ask yourself, “Gosh, how could this be me? Where inside am I feeling this way?”
I just had a conversation with someone who talked about having a challenge charging for her service. She kept saying that she kept getting pushback from potential clients when it came down to have the talk about price.
And so what I said to her was, “Where inside, if you think about what that means, what does that feel like inside?”
And she said, “Well, I feel like people don’t value what I’m doing.”
Okay, good. That’s a really good starting point. So then I said, “Check in.” So that’s just one thing. There were other things, but this is just that one thing. She said, “I just feel like people don’t value this service that I’m providing. I feel like people don’t understand the value of what I’m bringing to the table.”
I said, “Good. Can we say that, on the other side of that, that inside could potentially look like there is something about you in sharing this value where you’re experiencing doubt? There’s something about you inside that maybe you’re questioning the value of the service. And maybe understanding it from a logical level, but think about it inside.”
When we go into the crevices of the mind, is there anything — a drop, an inkling, a little tiny morsel of you that says, “You know, I don’t know if I even value what I’m doing. It’s easy for me, so here’s where we got the learning. It’s easy for me to do. I know how to do it. I’ve been doing this for 15 years, so it’s hard for others to know what I know, but I know how to do it so well, and so therefore it’s easy.”
And sometimes when we have done something so well and we think it’s easy, we immediately begin to devalue the knowledge.
That’s really what was happening for her.
So then we got the learning, and then we started talking about, so how do you change that perception so that you can feel really good about charging for your service, a fair price that you determine is a fair price based on the market and based on what you’re bringing to the table for these people.
So that’s how we arrived at “this is me.” They don’t want to pay, but inside, they don’t want to pay because they don’t see the value. But inside, do I see my own value?
Well, just because something is easy doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable. It’s easy for the people who know how to do it. The people who don’t know, it’s not easy for them. That’s why we need experts.
So that was just one simple thing.
And then I talked to somebody else who talked about having a meeting with someone and how they had to share their truth. This has happened over and over again. Sharing our truths and sharing our truths, and sharing our truths.
So this is how I want to frame that for you. The truth is going to be specific to you. The people that you’re sharing the information with are not going to see the truth the way that you see the truth. Now, my whole take on sharing your truth and being so adamant about sharing it just the way it is for you is borderline bullying. It really is.
And I can tell you that… And again, that’s my truth.
So I can tell you that there were times when I had to have really serious conversations with Ron that I thought were serious. I’m going to hurt my fingers by all the air quotes that I’m doing on this side because I thought they were serious, and I wanted to have this conversations, and I wanted to be really clear with him about all these things that were so important to me that I wanted him to know.
And he was very patient with me. And he would sit there and listen.
And then I would ask him, “I said this” — and, of course, I was just a little bit of a pain, because I said, “I told you all these things. Can you please tell me…” And he would just give me a nod. Now, he’s auditory-digital in terms of his styles, which means he doesn’t say much. In this relationship, I talk for all of us, and he just will give me an answer that’s three to five words, and in that three to five words, I will have everything I need to know.
So he would be like a nod.
I would say “Tell me what you got.”
He goes, “I understood.”
“Well, I want to know exactly what you think I said.”
And he was like “Everything?”
I’m like “Well, not everything. You can give me a condensed version.” And then he would say some things. I’m like, “Well, that’s three out of five things, and here’s the other two things.” And then we would go back and forth, and at some point, he would just get exhausted. And then we would move on. It served absolutely nothing for us in our relationships until I understood this one thing.
And that is, if you can do it like this, if you can share your truth in the way that I’m going to show you here, I think you might get even further. And here’s what it is.
If you can, in your mind, decide what you want to accomplish by sharing your truth… What is it that you want to accomplish? And then, from there, do this chunking exercise. We talked about chunking when we talked about overwhelm. Overwhelm is all about thinking of everything and not getting into the details enough so you can do one thing at a time.
So here I’m going to ask you to go even higher. Go higher. Overwhelm is because we’re way high and we need to go lower in order to get to those specifics and the details so we can start doing one thing at a time until that feeling of overwhelm goes away.
So here I’m going to ask you to go higher. So not in the details, because the details are about the truth. The sharing of our truth is about sharing very specific details about how we see the world, what we believe something to be or not be, and wanting to share this with somebody else and wanting them to understand things from our point of view.
The question that you want to ask yourself is “For what purpose?”
What is the purpose? What is the intention of you sharing your truth with another human being who has a set of truths of their own? What is the intention?
Usually the intention is to gain some sort of an agreement. We want people to see eye to eye with us. And so depending on how the person communicates in front of you… I used to tell Ron that he had to share all his feelings with me because I shared all my feelings with him and it wasn’t fair. I literally said that to him so many times. And he doesn’t talk about feelings. He just does things. I know he loves me because he’ll walk the dog 90% of the time, and I’ll maybe walk the dog 5% of the time. So I guess how walks the dog 95% of the time.
I’m out there working. He’s retired. He still has things to do and makes time for the dog. That’s how I know he loves me. I know he loves me because on a long day, he’s made dinner. I come home, and there’s dinner, and it’s beautiful. And he makes the best horiatiki salad, by the way.
So that’s how I know. How he knows I love him is because I tell him 25 times by breakfast. And then another 100 times by dinner. This is how we are so different.
I walk by him, I just need to hug him. He walks by me, and he just waves. That’s how we know. So we communicate differently. And yet now I understand styles. I understand how he does things, and so now we can actually come together and be in the same place.
And by the way, this is deliberate. After learning how people communicate differently and understanding that my truth is not his truth. My truth is my truth. And it’s important for me to respect his. And by respecting his — because perception is projection. This is the beauty of all of it — then he respects mine. That’s how that works.
When we get in there and we think we have to push, then we’re projecting out a push which means we’re going to get the pushback. If we know that the world is a mirror for us and for our focus, the world is telling us where we’re focusing, and if you can just use that as a mirror, you’re going to be in a really good place, because you’re going to be able to step into your own power as a result of that. Because you’re going to see there is something coming back at me, and I don’t like it. And so then you have the power to change it.
So if you simply as “For what purpose…” What’s the purpose of me wanting to share the truth? And you take a little pencil and paper and you write that down. “Well, I want them to understand these things about me.”
Okay, good. Good.
So when you have the conversation and the sharing of truths, then I’m going to ask you to start big picture. And big picture means that you start with the larger details first. And then you see how things are received. And then you use your sensory acuity. Notice what somebody is doing. Notice their face. Notice if you’re feeling good when you’re in the room with them. Notice if they’re feeling good and they’re feeling receptive. Because if they’re not receptive, they’re not going to hear your truth. They’re going to think that possibly, like Ron used to, you might be a little annoying, a little needy, a little demanding — or a lot.
It doesn’t matter what they think. It only matters that your message gets across. Right? It really does. When we think that we have to fight, then we are projecting out a fight which means people are going to fight back with us. If we feel like we have to defend our stance, we’re projecting out a defensive stance, which means that people are going to then project that back to us as well.
So here it’s about gaining agreement. And you first get agreement by becoming really interested in the other party and how they could potentially be seeing this conversation and this sharing of truths.
So the majority of people — especially when companies or with couples — they all want the same thing. They all want the same thing. They all want to come together. They all want to agree. They all want to move forward. Usually, if it’s a company, they’re going to want the same thing for the end user. Usually a positive experience. The majority of the time it’s going to be a thoroughly positive experience for the end user, regardless of where the person is on the hierarchy within the company. The issue is always communicating top down and then from down to top and finding commonalities and finding agreement within all the tiers that are present.
In a marriage or in a couple, it’s the same thing. People want to be happy. They want to feel they’re connected, and they want to love each other, and they want to be together, and that’s really what they want. And they’re not connecting because of communication. And a lot of the times, it has to do with somebody feeling like they need to share this thing that’s so important to them. And they depend on the person on the other side to meet the need. This person is sharing. They want acknowledgement and validation. And they want that other person to meet the need.
Sharing our truths, it’s only going to do something for you when what you’re sharing is received by the other person in the way that you intend for them to receive it.
In NLP, we have a presupposition that says, “The meaning of communication is the response you get.” Period. End of story.
So if you’re communicating and the response you’re getting is not the response you want, then really the problem is not the other person. It’s really us and how we communicated the information to them. It’s us barging into their space and then just kind of plopping ourselves down and saying, “Hey, I’ve got this to tell you, and it’s really important, and it should be important to you too.” When in reality, these people have other things going on. They have their own agenda. They have their own stuff. They have their own goals. They have their own truths that they’re living with. And us going in there, it does feel to me like a bullying of sorts. Like just barging in.
And we could have all kinds of good reasons for doing that. And with that said, the main focus here is what is it that you want on the other side? And if you can start with, “What I want on the other side is this…” And get a little more big picture with how you do that, and, in knowing that at the end of the day, the most important thing that we can do with other human beings is establish rapport. And we establish rapport in all kinds of ways.
Number one, it’s a feeling inside. And you know that feeling inside is good because it feels good when you feel it. And so if you are with this party and you can allow yourself to feel good first, and then have the conversation, chances are they’re going to be able see more of what you need to share with them or want to share with them than they would if you didn’t.
Understanding that a defensive stance means that we have put up a wall, we have hunkered down, we have our shields up, our swords in the other hand, and we’re ready for a fight. And you’re projecting that out.
So instead of doing that, if you can get to a place where you’re feeling good and change the projection by changing the perception inside by going in, if you’re seeing something that you feel you need to defend, then go inside and say, “Hey, where? Where else am I feeling this? And what do I want to feel instead?”
And then go have the conversation and think of the intention.
There’s a person that means a lot to me… Her and I, there was a potential problem. Not quite a problem, but there was a potential problem for me to be part of her life in a specific way. And what I said to her, the very first thing I said to her was, “This is my big picture thinking.” This is what I said to her, and it was really powerful for both of us.
I said to her, “Listen. This thing that I want to join with you is not important. That’s not the significant part of this. My intention is for this relationship to continue and to grow and for us to be in each others’ lives. That’s my intention in having this meeting.”
When we started from there, the defenses just totally went down. And then we had a magical meeting and experience. So much so that now we are quite close.
So that is really where you want to start. Start with the intention. And really allow yourself to feel vulnerable enough to say, “Here’s my intention. My intention is to accomplish this with you. I respect your time. I respect that you see things in the way that you see things. I absolutely respect the differences here. And what I want to do is to find common ground.”
And then give the person the option to say yes to your meaning and your truths or not.
And this goes to everything, by the way, that we do. I think there was a time in my life, and I see it with my clients where they feel so strong about whatever they’re seeing. And it’s so true. And my question to them is “And what?” It’s so true for you right now, and how does that help you or serve you? If it’s true and it’s positive, then stay there. Milk it. Live it. Really feel in your body. But if it’s true — air quotes again — and it doesn’t feel good and it’s not good for you, it’s not serving you in any way, then guess what. You have the power to change what that truth looks like.
We had another conversation just a couple days ago. We talked about brake checking people. I honestly didn’t even know what that was. I really didn’t know what brake checking means, and I guess apparently it means when someone is getting a little too close and you hit the brakes, and it freaks them out, and then they go back.
And so I asked this person, I was like “Do you do that often, or do you do that?”
And she was like “Yeah, I do it. It’s done to me, and then I do it others.”
And I said, “You know, that hasn’t been part of my experience. I just kind of drive,” and Ron says I drive like a bat out of hell, because I drive fast, but I just drive, and I flow and things have been just easy for me on the road, and so I don’t have those experiences. I usually feel really good when I’m out there driving, and I look at the other people. I feel good with them, and I do get into that space which is a little, from my point of view of NLP, it’s a little geeky because I’m just looking at them. I’m like ‘She’s my projection, and he’s my projection, and that’s my projection.’ All of this beauty around me. That’s my projection. The green lights are my projection, and sometimes the red lights are my projection.” So that’s kind of where I’m at in doing the work. And we just flow.
And then this person, the only time I’ve ever had some sort of traffic issue is when this person is in the car with me and stuff happens. I had to honk at someone who was sitting there when the light was green and he wasn’t moving. I haven’t had to do that in years.
One time we left a parking lot and then I turned, and I almost went into someone else’s lane. That hadn’t happened to me in years that could remember or notice. And so that’s the experience. I said, “I have never had to brake check a soul that I can think of.” But yet it’s part of her experience.
So that’s what I mean about when we call truths. The more we think of a truth, when we feel like someone is stepping on us, then we’re creating an environment for that to happen. And I know it’s hard to hear, and I’m telling you stuff that I work with all the time with my clients. And it’s hard for them to get to this place where they can understand that and live from there.
Like I said, I don’t expect anyone ever to believe me. But part of the tasking is that they go and operate from this space and then move forward. And then see what happens.
So start with what’s the intention and share the intention. And then respect other people’s perspective and their truths, because they have their own. Thinking that we have to share everything that we have to share, that everything in our heart has to be out there for everybody to see is a misconception. Because it will fall on deaf ears, as they say. They’re not going to hear you.
I always tell my clients, share as much as is going to be useful. Usually share as little as possible. And know that whatever you’re seeing, if it’s pleasing to you, you’re doing great. If you’re seeing something that doesn’t feel good, then you have some work to do, and that’s okay. Just knowing is huge.
So share only as much as is necessary for you to get your message across. And only for as long as it feels good. If you’re having the conversation and it starts creating some sort of negative kinesthetic inside, a feeling that’s negative inside, just know that the more you keep activating that, it can lead to a negative spiral.
Ron and I just had a conversation when we went camping where it started with this little annoyance, and all of a sudden… Out of the two of us, if anybody ever has to talk about anything, it’s usually me. I wanted to just talk about it because it was really bothering me, thinking — forgot for a second that that wasn’t going to help, because ultimately, it’s my projection. And I wanted him to fix it for me.
So there I go sharing it. And before I know it, it wasn’t good. But I was sharing my truths the entire time, by the way.
It wasn’t good, and then I had to bring myself back to center, and then we were fine. We were fine, and we were great. And I could have shared the information once I got settled and calm and everything was feeling good. Then I realized, oh my gosh. He was just so open and receptive. I just could have told him want I wanted instead of how bad I felt that we were doing something that I didn’t want. And it had everything to do with hiking, by the way. It had everything to do with hiking and what I wanted to do during this hike and how I felt in the process. And all of it was me the entire time, because then when I changed how I perceived the exchange, then he and I came immediately together.
So share what is relevant, know that your truth is your own, and also know that people don’t need to know the details. Frankly, I’m going to tell you this with love in my heart, they don’t care enough. They cannot because they’re going through their own stuff. So start with the solution. Start with the intention. Share your intention. Share only for as long as you’re in a good place. And the moment you get that feeling inside where it doesn’t feel good, then it’s time for you to check in with yourself and know that what’s happening is you and if you can immediately change the perception inside, then you can move forward. And if, for whatever reason, it’s starting to not work out for you, then it’s time to walk away for a little bit. Take a break. Collect yourself. Feel good again. And then come back. It’s really simple and powerful. And I promise you that this technique saves relationships. It really does.
That is all I have for you today. I hope you found the information useful. Please share your feedback with me. You can go to MindRevolutionPodcast.com. In there you’re going to be able to access the show notes, and there is a little box in there where you can just enter your question or just give us your feedback. So feedback is so useful.
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So thank you so much for listening. Again, visit the show notes. Visit the podcast page. Download the freebies that are there. They’re so good. And keep going. Keep doing. And just stay true to you throughout the process, knowing the true you is just true to you.
Thank you so much. Stay positive, my friends, until next time.
I'm Brenda Terry. I'm a personal development trainer and master coach who works with go-getters like you who want to achieve big results in your business and personal life.
If you're excited and ready to play bigger in business and kill it in life, I help you identify and change beliefs, patterns, and behaviors that aren't supporting your goals so you can make more money, find more joy, better manage relationships, and communicate more effectively.
I'm here to help you make the powerful, effective shifts you're craving- faster than you ever thought possible.