Keep up with everything Brenda has to offer!
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Leveling Up from the Messy Middle
Humans are designed to grow and evolve. Growth is part of the beautiful human experience.
So, why is change so hard then?
There’s a sort of tug-of-war going on. On the one hand, we need a certain level of safety and security, and so we’re programmed with a desire for the familiar and predictable.
On the other hand, growth and change happen. It’s an inevitable part of life. In fact, it will happen with or without our consent.
And believe me, it’s better to initiate growth on your own terms than to have life do it for you.
The truth is that your unconscious mind, which is tapped into the superconscious mind, knows when you’re ready to evolve. Have you ever sensed nudges from your unconscious mind, that sense of restlessness, or discontent?
Sometimes when we sense the nudges we’ll try to rekindle the flames of a strategy that worked for us in the past. But the results are never the same. We just don’t work that way. In those instances, what we need is real growth, not a re-do of something from the past.
Times of transition, that muddled middle when we’re on our way to transforming, are tough. They’re often characterized by a lack of direction, a lack of answers, an “I don’t know” feeling.
I know that transition space can feel awkward and disorienting, but the “I don’t know” space is actually a good place to be. Think of it as a chance to be open to opportunities, to what could be.
There are some ways to make transitions more comfortable…
- Stay congruent. “Is this action going to be good for me right now, and is it going to be good for me on the other side of doing it?”
- Make an inward turn. Journal about what you want. Make a list of what you want to feel and experience.
- Focus on the essence of what you want.
- Take steps that will move you in that direction.
I know the comfort zone feels…well, comfortable. But life has more in store for you. You were meant to change, to grow, to transform. You were meant for this.
Thanks for listening!
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Brenda: Hey there. Welcome to Episode 67 of the Mind Revolution Podcast. I am your host, Brenda Terry. A big, warm thank-you to you for tuning in today. And my wish for you, as always, is that wherever you are and whatever it is that you find yourself doing right now, that you are finding goodness in your world, that you’re finding goodness in the people in it, and that when you look in the mirror, man, you are finding goodness in yourself, regardless of what’s going on out there, that you can look in the mirror and simply appreciate the goodness staring back at you.
Things here in Reno have been pretty darn busy. We are just about ready to launch our course. It’s going to happen this week, so we’re super excited about that. Been working really hard on that for quite a few months, and now that it’s happening, it’s so dang exciting.
In the middle of all that, I’ve been doing a lot of client work and I’ve noticed that there’s this theme with my clients. And I know that I’ve said this before that my clients seem to kind of be on the same wavelength. A lot of them are. And when one of them is going through some change, usually I can find other ones that are going through similar changes. And it could be the fact that we are now experiencing a different reality than we were experiencing just even a few months ago, and that’s shaking people’s reality.
I know that it definitely shook mine, and it still is shaking it to this day. I’m not doing the things that I usually do. I’m doing things differently, like you are doing things differently in your world. [0:02:03]
And so with my client work, I’ve had conversations about loosening things up inside and going to that place of “I don’t know” when, before that, we are in certainty. We are living in certainty. We know what we know. And then we live what we know, and then all of a sudden, something happens, and things begin to loosen. And our view of the world begins to change.
And sometimes we don’t like it because we like that certainty. It’s so much easier to do what we do and do what we’ve done and live there. That’s the comfort zone. The comfort zone is all about “This is what I know. I’m really comfortable here. It’s not my favorite, but I’m really familiar, and it doesn’t require a lot of me. I can just be here, and I know how to handle what happens in here. And I know how to manage the people in here, and I know what to do in any context in here because I have been here for a while.”
That’s why it’s comfortable.
But growth happens. We grow. We evolve. We are designed for that growth.
We’re designed to transform. We’re designed to blossom. We’re designed for all kinds of good stuff.
Now, it all depends on how it is that we take the opportunity for growth. That will dictate the experience.
And so assuming that we are in that place of growth and we have the opportunity, or the opening, and what it means to leap in that direction or maybe tiptoe there — one or the other and everything in between.
But growth happens no matter what.
The problem sometimes is that we resist the growth. We resist the change, and we find ourselves getting stuck, and then we don’t feel good because we’re not designed to stay in the same place. We’re designed to evolve and move forward and grow and change and learn new things and apply those learnings to our lives so that we can then make beautiful things happen. [0:04:11]
But sometimes we don’t do that. But sometimes we do. And that’s what today is all about.
I had a meeting with a client this morning, and this is exactly what she said. This is where she said she is at. She said that she’s in a place where she’s letting go and not having the answers, nor is she having the expectations around even having the answers or anything in her space, in the context of this growth and how she is now seeing that as an opening that’s creating opportunity for her.
And that’s what this is about.
How do we go from this place of “I don’t know,” and why that’s such a good thing, to be in that “I don’t know” space and then use that “I don’t know” space to open ourselves up to the opportunity of what could be.
I do changework. My work is to do deep, deep changework with people. Sometimes we call it going into the basement. Other times we call it going into the dungeon or the abyss.
I’m doing change with people at a level that they haven’t tapped into before because we’re going deep, deep, deep into the unconscious mind. And in there, we get some really good general learnings that you apply to your life, whether you go into the dungeon or the abyss of your neurology or you stay here in conscious awareness and just simply decide to apply some of these changes.
And it’s really important to note that that place of “I don’t know” can bring with it a ton of opportunities for you. [0:05:52]
“I don’t know” means questioning the things that you’ve done in the past and maybe noticing that some of them just simply don’t work in the way that you want them to work.
There’s something called the Universal Model of Change. Now, in the Universal Model of Change, we talk about how a person goes through change. And we start in one position where things feel really good. So maybe it’s discovering this thing that you discovered, and all of a sudden, you feel amazing. You just feel good because now you maybe learned a new skill, maybe you have a new job, maybe you’re stepping into that new relationship, and it feels wonderful to you.
And then you’re doing it for a while, and you’re doing it the way you’re doing it, and all of a sudden, you’re finding that the way that you’re doing it now doesn’t satisfy you as much. So then you begin to lose some momentum.
And you lose momentum, and then you begin noticing the things that you don’t like about this thing that you’re doing. Maybe that person that you were so in love with, all of a sudden, they’re just kind of annoying you. And maybe you’re annoying them.
Maybe the job that you discovered doesn’t feel as good. Maybe it just doesn’t satisfy you the way that it satisfied you in the beginning.
Or maybe that opportunity that presented itself, all of a sudden, you can just see the thing is not working out, not the way that you wanted anyway.
So then you’re transitioning from that place you felt so good to doing the same thing, but you’ve transitioned out of that place that felt so good to now noticing the differences, the things that are not pleasing to you.
And we go to this new position, and then from there, we go back to try to see how is it that we did it to begin with that allowed us to experience this experience that felt so good.
So we go back and look for a do-over. We go back to that space where we see what it is that we can do differently so that we can feel really good. This is where you try again. This is where you give it another shot. This is where you run the same strategies hoping for a different result though. So you go back to the beginning and say, “Well, if I do it this way, last time it worked, so I’m going to do it that way, and I think it’s going to work.”
So then you get into appreciation, and you get to that place of maybe loving that person the way you loved them in the beginning, or you look at your job and you just begin to appreciate it, and you do all the things to get you to feel the way you felt in the very beginning of this newness thing that was happening in your life that felt so good.
But it doesn’t work.
It doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because you have changed. This is called the Process of Adaptation in psychology, meaning once you have something and it’s felt good, we get used to it, and then we get a little lazy, and then we don’t do it with the same gusto as we did in the beginning. We just simply don’t.
The brain adapts, and the brain is wired for change and movement, so the same thing just doesn’t satisfy. It just doesn’t. It doesn’t work that way.
I think I talked about this before in one of the previous episodes where I said how much I loved my house when I first moved in, and then after a couple of months, I was looking at other houses. And I love my house. I have a great, beautiful, big house. And it’s the kind of house that I wanted. When we were looking for it, I just feel in love with it. And then all of a sudden, I just was like “Ah, it just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I want to go live in a different neighborhood. I want to go do other things. I want to go somewhere else.”
Well, that’s the Process of Adaptation. It’s in there. We’re just simply in that space.
Now, when it comes to the things in our lives, we can really learn to re-appreciate them. And we just train our brain to notice the things that we want, and then we can be in appreciation more of the time.
However, when we’re between that space of “It felt good, and this is me at an optimal level,” and all of a sudden, I’ve lost momentum, and it just doesn’t feel as good anymore, there’s some reasons for that. And the reasons usually are because you’ve grown. That’s usually where it starts.
Now could you be someone who is away-from motivated, meaning you’re looking at the things that you don’t like and that’s what creates that movement for you? So you’re noticing the things that you don’t like, and this is how you get motivated to do other things? Absolutely.
Could you be focusing on the negative things going on in your life as opposed to the positive, wonderful things going on in your life? Yes, absolutely.
And still, even if you were focusing 100% in your positive direction, you would still want to grow and move. You wouldn’t want to stay where you were. You would be expanding your comfort zone, and the thing that you want would be in front of you, and you would want to be moving in that direction. So you would just be changing, no matter what.
The problem is when we’re going through that looping process of doing it the way we did it, not finding that satisfaction anymore, and then trying to retrace the step and still use the same strategy — a strategy being how do I do that thing I do to get that result — and it’s still not satisfying me.
And the majority of people stay here. They loop between the point where they’re satisfied, where they’re no longer satisfied, and try to go back to being satisfied but without making real big change.
The majority of people stay there.
And this is the people in your life now, this could be you maybe looking at your life and saying, “Oh my gosh, I haven’t changed this thing that I always wanted to change.”
And all of us have that propensity to stay there. There are things in my life where I go between A and B, A and B, A and B, and I have to remind myself that that’s not how change happens. It’s not what’s going to get me to the thing that I want to achieve in my life.
So then you do it enough, and all of a sudden, something happens in your experience. It’s like not listening to the unconscious mind giving us information to say, “Hey, by the way, you’re ready for growth here. You’re in the comfort zone, and this is not where you belong. You are ready to expand.” It doesn’t mean get rid of the partner — certainly not. It doesn’t mean get rid of the job. It doesn’t mean move — like it was for me. It doesn’t mean that.
It simply means, ah-ha, there’s expansion here that’s available. And let’s do it.
But so much of the time we don’t listen. We don’t pay attention to that because we want to hold on to that certainty of the things that we know, that it makes it really hard to move in the direction of the things that we don’t know.
So as I’m having these conversations with clients, they are in this place of transition, and transition just kind of sucks. Most of the might it doesn’t feel good because we are literally in the unknown. We are leaving the thing that we know — that certainty that we know — and moving in a direct direction. [0:13:01]
A lot of the times we don’t know exactly where we’re going, but we’re definitely moving in a different direction, and in that period of transition before we get to where we think we’re going to be, well, we don’t know what’s going on. Everything just looks different. And we’re not familiar with what’s going on there.
And we can find ourselves going through emotions and feeling emotions like fear and uncertainty and maybe some guilt for leaving the things behind that we left. Maybe we might experience some regret. And this is all normal.
And so what I’m here to invite you to explore is the possibility that the thing that you want is on the other side of this transition, because I have yet to see a single person who stays between “This is what made me real really good at one time and now I’m trying to relive that, but I’m just not finding the momentum,” and then staying in that place. People don’t grow there. We just simply don’t. [0:14:04]
And you do have the control. We do. We have the control to make the transition be a little more comfortable for us, and that is when we do it really logically. That is when we really use our minds to say, “Okay, so what is it that I want?” and then start moving in that direction a little at a time.
I have clients who want to do everything now. They want to change yesterday, but they haven’t created the neurological connections to create the change in their lives. They’re looking for a solution to now, a quick fix.
Well, quick fixes really don’t work. It’s been proven. It really is a that effort and that perseverance and the willingness to go to places that we don’t know with congruency in mind, meaning is this going to be good for me now and afterwards? Is this action going to be good for me right now, and is it going to be good for me on the other side of doing it? And then taking the steps to get there.
When you can let go of what you know — not everything; it’s not complete abandon — but the parts that you know are nagging at you, the parts that are saying, “Hey, you’ve grown. We need to change this. Let’s explore how we change this.” [0:15:23]
When you can allow yourself to do that, you’re going to open the door to opportunity because we cannot know what’s on the other side of where we’re at unless we start walking in that direction.
I’ve had clients tell me that all they want is to be happy.
And I said, “Okay, so are you doing the things that make you happy?”
“Well, I am, but I’m still not happy.”
I was like “Well, then I beg to differ. I’m going to say that you’re not doing the things that make you happy. You’re doing the things that keep you in what you know, which was very different.” It takes a lot of courage to leave the things behind and make changes to embrace what we want.
And that process of letting go on one side, not knowing where you’re going to end up really but trusting yourself in that process, that requires a lot of courage, and you can do it. Because we all do it.
The difference here between this change is that you’re doing it deliberately. You’re doing it with intention as opposed to what happens to a lot of people to get out of their comfort zone is they have a moment where they’re literally feeling like they’re falling off a cliff and into the real abyss where something happens.
So if you think of the unconscious mind giving you clues, giving you clues, giving you clues because your unconscious mind is aware of all the things that you cannot be aware of consciously. Consciously you can only take in a teeny tiny bit of information. You have your 50 to 60 bits consciously. Unconsciously, you have access to the entire 2 million bits of information per second. And your unconscious mind is seeing things that you cannot see, and it can solve the problems inside. It’s got the solution for the problems that you cannot solve consciously. And it’s always nudging you in that direction. [0:17:11]
And this is when we’re talking about the connection between the conscious mind and unconscious mind and unconscious mind and your higher conscious mind. We’re talking about the superconscious in here, getting in and having a piece of this pie with your best interest in mind.
So you’re getting the nudges. You’re getting the nudges. You’re getting the nudges. You’re not listening. And then the nudges get stronger. And you feel more disempowered, and you’re not listening. It’s hard, obviously, because we want to stay with what we know. This is just the natural inclination of the mind and the body. We want to stay with what we know. We like safety and security and certainty. This is good for us. We feel it.
However, the monkey wrench in all of this is that we’re not designed to stay where we’re at. We’re designed to grow.
So you’re getting the nudges, but you’re not listening. You’re not paying attention. And all of a sudden, the consequences get bigger and bigger and bigger. And then before you know it, the consequences become unbearable of that decision of not changing, staying in the comfort zone, staying in what you know just feels painful. [0:18:19]
And because you’re feeling this discomfort, then that leads to consequences in real life.
And if you don’t make the change, then that can definitely lead to a moment where you feel like you just have no control anymore because the entire time you’ve been guided to take direction in a certain way, and you’re just not listening.
And it happens to all of us. I have been there.
I have been there. I have been there. I have been there more than once, more than twice, probably more than ten times. And it took me a while for me to get “Oh, wait a minute. I’m getting the nudge. I better listen.” I’m getting the nudge now, okay, pay attention.
This is how I make decisions and not make decisions now.
We talked about the course in here, I think, before where we were ready to launch this two months ago, and in the middle of this, we just started getting all kinds of technical problems, and I really second guessed myself. I’m like “What am I focusing on? Am I in away-from territory here, or am I still…inside I feel like I’m toward-focused, meaning I’m focusing on what I want, or is it that I’m trying to avoid some pain that I’m not aware of?”
And I was in there back and forth. We kept getting the problems over and over again, in every which way.
And finally I got it. I said, “You know what? I’m stopping it. There is something going on. I am not aware of exactly what it is, but we’re just going to stop it.”
And then we had this global pandemic.
And the course that we created before this happened is very different than the course that we have today. The course that we have today aligns with the needs that we have today. The course that I created before that — because I created it in January — does not align with the needs that we have today. That’s how all of this works.
In the Universal Model of Change, we call that dive that feels like a dive off the deep end, we call it a C Moment. A C Moment, it’s when things are dark. It’s when you know that you have to change. It’s when you know that it’s just so painful there that you cannot stay there anymore, that you’ve done it the same way over and over again, and you’re done. And you have to find a way out.
A C Moment for me was when the real estate market crashed in 2008, and I didn’t have the resources mentally, emotionally, physically to get myself out quickly. So I had to do some serious work very, very quickly in order to get myself out so I could take care of my kids.
A C Moment for me also was when I was working so hard and so long that I became very sick, and I had to really look at my entire life and see if what I was doing was worth the effort. Was a business really worth it? Was it really giving me what I wanted? And that was a big C Moment because it was going to cost me everything, including my relationship with Ron and my relationship with my kids. That was a C Moment.
And my health — big C Moment. We all have those.
It’s when we’ve done something and it’s just not working, and we keep doing it. We keep doing it thinking that we’re going to get a different result, and we don’t. We get the same result. And all of a sudden your unconscious mind is like “I’ve been telling you.” And there you go into your C Moment. And then you have to find a way out.
A C Moment brings with it a beautiful opportunity because you can then make change in a big way. This is when the neurology is so pliable. This is when we’re so suggestible because, if you think of emotion, emotion makes us very suggestible.
If you are in anger, true anger, do you really have control over what you’re doing? Nope. You’re in a trance. Very, very hard to control anger when you’re explosive. Literally, your body has been taken over by the emotion because emotion makes us so suggestible.
If you ever found yourself being in lust — I remember those days. In lust. If you find yourself there in that moment, can you be in control? Probably not because emotion just overpowers everything.
So in your C Moment, we are highly suggestible because we are usually riddled with negative emotion, but negative emotion can compel us to take action, not the way that I want us to do it, but if you haven’t been able to get out on A and B, meaning “This is what I’ve always done, and it felt good in the beginning, now it doesn’t feel good anymore,” if you’re having a hard time getting out of there, sometimes that C Moment will be the thing that can really get you.
Now, I don’t ever want you to have a C experience, but sometimes they happen, especially if we’re living life unconsciously, meaning living in the “This is how I do it. This is how I do it. This is how I’ve always done it,” and we’re not thinking about the long-term results of the thing that we’re doing now. We’re very focused on how it’s going to give us relief right now, how it’s going to serve us only in this moment, but we’re not thinking about how it’s going to serve us tomorrow or the next day or six months from now or a year from now or 20 years from now. We’re not thinking of that. We’re only thinking of the relief right now.
So if you’re in your A and B, meaning if you are “This is how I’ve always done it, but it doesn’t feel good anymore,” then this is when I really invite you to take that intentional inward turn.
Make the inward turn, take intentional action to see just where you want to go.
And it’s really simple to just simply say, “So I’m not experiencing the thing that I want to experience. What is it that I want to experience instead?”
And make a list. I love lists. Lists can bring you a ton of clarity. Make a list of the things that you want to experience instead. And then make a list of how those things that you want to experience are going to make you feel.
And then you let go of a specific person or thing that has to bring that to you. This is a key to, I call it, “All success.”
If you can let go of the form, meaning the how it shows up in your life, and you can focus on the essence of the thing that you want… And just focus on it. You don’t have to go and take major steps to make it happen. But if you can just focus on it, if you can take your “I don’t know. It doesn’t feel good anymore… I don’t know what it true or not true for me anymore. I don’t know what I believe. I don’t know what I really want in my life…” If you can take that “I don’t know” and just know that it’s there for a reason, there’s a purpose for that “I don’t know,” and then you can take that “I don’t know” and say, “Well, if I did know, what would I feel like? At the end of the day, what do I want to feel?”
And then you focus on that, and you do the work to do the things that are going to allow you to feel in that way.
And that is a great way to then allow yourself to open yourself up to opportunity, not having the expectation of how things are going to work out specifically, but allowing the moment to unfold.
And in that moment of unfolding, you’re unfolding too.
Now if you are in your C Experience, meaning it’s been really bad for you, then this is the moment for you to take action bigly. This is when you really look at your life and say what do I have to do? What do I have to learn? What can I do right now to get the heck out of where I’m at?
And a lot of the times it’s going to be a lot of focused work, meaning sometimes when you’re in that C Moment. You’re in that moment that feels so painful, action is not going to be the thing to do, meaning physical action. It’s going to be, number one… It’s like triage. You tend to the wounds first. And you do some self-care, and you do some self-love, and you get some clarity.
I remember so clearly, 2008, everything crashed. I had nothing, and I was reading. And my mom walking into the room saying, “What are you doing? We have no money, and we’re in this hole.”
And I clearly remember telling her, “Listen, I know I’m in the hole. You don’t need to remind me. I’m in there with you. I know that me focusing on the hole and where I’m at and how it feels is not going to help me get out of the hole. So I’m just going to read this book, sleep, eat whatever I want, probably drink some extra wine, and then I’m going to get to work.” And I did that for about two weeks.
And then I was able to have the clarity to really make the shift. And I shifted the course of my career in less than 30 days. And it was the most empowering thing I’ve ever done. But it happened because I had nothing.
And I don’t wish that on anybody.
I think that we can have that kind of change, that drop, that falling-off-the-cliff feeling happens when we’re living unconsciously, meaning we’re ignoring the things that are telling us to go left or go right or go up or go down. We’re ignoring the nudges. We’re ignoring the impulse j/s that tells us that it’s time to make a change. That happens a lot of the times.
Not all the time. But a lot of the times.
So right now, if you are in your A and B, then I invite you to take intentional action so that you can get more of what you want just be focusing, making a list, checking it twice — why not? — and then focusing on the essence of what that’s going to bring into your life. And take action to make those things happen.
Because we can make lists, we can talk it, we can think about it. But if you don’t take action, it’s not going to happen for you. You’ve got to start doing the things to get you to where you want to be.
Sometimes when my clients, they have specific tasks, and sometimes they say, “I don’t know why I’m doing this.”
It’s like, well, because we want to make sure that you begin the process of achieving outcomes consistently so that you create the blueprint for achieving outcomes, and we start with small things so that then we can grow and make it bigger and bigger and bigger. Then before you know it, you’re just going to have an empire. Why not?
And that’s a great way start.
If you are in your C Moment, then you’ve got to do other things. The steps are going to be bigger. The risks are going to be greater. But you’ve got to do something to get out from where you’re at. And it starts with focus. Always.
Everything in NLP is about focus work. We’ve got to start with the focus first. It is focus work. It is about believing inside until you can see it on the outside. And it’s really hard to do when everything on the outside is contradicting the belief that you want to have inside. But that is the work. That is the work.
And then once you get out of your C Moment, you can get to a D, which is a higher level than your A and B before, meaning you get to that place that feels good, and you have that very genuine experience of newness again and you feeling empowered and you saying, “Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I’m doing this. It’s so wonderful. It feels so good.”
And then you begin the process again, because we’re always evolving. We’re always growing.
I have had A and B Moments at various times in my life, and I can tell you that some of my old A and B Moments, right now in my experience, I would consider them Cs because I have grown so much. Meaning, what was normal for me before right now would be like a cliff moment because I’ve constantly grown and evolved since then. It’s a process. It’s a commitment that you make to yourself.
If you can make yourself the project of your life, meaning if you can be that priority in your life and you are the one who gets to be the captain of your own ship, and you get to decide where to go and you make it a focus to grow as you are being called to grow, I think that you’re going to do amazing things, not only for yourself but for the people in your life.
In my world, family is very important. Everything that I do, I do it with my family in mind. But it starts with me, me in that bubble of love and care and grace for myself and patience for me. And it doesn’t work all the time, because I can be hard on myself too. But I always go back to love for self, and from there, I love the people in my life. And whatever I do, I create with them in mind.
I want you to have these moments for you that serve you in a big way. Go do that, and let me know how it goes.
So you focus on the thing that you want to achieve. It doesn’t have to be a thing. It could just a feeling. It could just an essence. And then you ask yourself what these things are going to allow you to experience in your life, and then you begin to take action in your direction. Because you’ve got to take action at the end of the day.
Everything involves action. You think it, yes, for sure. Focus is inside. Absolutely.
Intentional action really, really helps create momentum. So go ahead and do that and let me know how it goes.
That is all I have for you today. I am so thrilled that you’re here. Thank you, again, for being here with me on this journey.
I’m going to ask you to please rate and review our podcast because your feedback is important, and it lets the people know out there that we exist, and that is really powerful, and that can only come from us sharing the word. So thank you so much for doing that.
I’m also going to invite you to join the Mind Revolution Podcast Community on Facebook, and then visit MindRevolutionPodcast.com to access the show notes and download all of our free stuff. We have a lot of resources for you, including this podcast, that when you make it a point to do the work, you’re going to see the evidence of that work in your life.
And until then, I’ll be right here sending good thoughts, well wishes, and a lot of love your way. Until next time, my friend.
I'm Brenda Terry. I'm a personal development trainer and master coach who works with go-getters like you who want to achieve big results in your business and personal life.
If you're excited and ready to play bigger in business and kill it in life, I help you identify and change beliefs, patterns, and behaviors that aren't supporting your goals so you can make more money, find more joy, better manage relationships, and communicate more effectively.
I'm here to help you make the powerful, effective shifts you're craving- faster than you ever thought possible.