#131 Bridging the Gap Between You and You
#131 Bridging the Gap Between You and You
Brenda: Well, hey there, Brenda here. Welcome to this week’s episode of Mind Revolution. I am so very glad and so very grateful that you are here. I’m recording this on January first, so this is our very first episode of the year. It’s just exciting right now. There are so many good things happening.
For me specifically, what’s going on is that Ron and I just moved for the second time in a year. We sold our home in Tennessee and have moved to the state of Kentucky. Never a thing I thought I would do. The only representation I had inside of Kentucky for me was that my stepdad lived there when he was young. It was kind of a nebulous place for me. I just knew that there were probably hills there. He always talked about how beautiful it was. He didn’t always talk about it. He mentioned it from time to time.
For me, coming to Kentucky was not a thing. It wasn’t a thought. It wasn’t anything we considered. Then we drove up a couple of times to visit Ron’s mom and to go to Lucas Oil Stadium to watch the Indianapolis Colts play live. And we thought it was just quite beautiful. That drive was… I don’t know. I just felt like I could breath better. It was interesting.
Then Ron purchased a car, and he flew to Cincinnati, Ohio to go pick it up, and then drove the car down and traveled through Kentucky, and he just said that was just really beautiful country. And that’s how we left it.
There’s a reason I’m telling you this story, and here it is.
About six months ago, maybe seven or so, we finished off a manifestation practice inside our Soulful Business Revolution Program, and during that time, I just allowed myself to play. Part of the practice was to connect energetically with the thing that we were wanting. And one of the things that I wanted was more space. I just wanted to have a little more land. And I wanted to have a little bit more of an expansive view. I just played with that.
I wrote about it. In our entire practice, I did it throughout, thinking about the space and just had fun with it. Nothing else at all. Not looking to go buy anything, not looking to see how we could do it. Just simply being with it felt so good.
And it was really a moment’s decision when Ron and I were driving home from the grocery store, I think, and we just started looking at real estate together. Typically I know if we’re working at real estate, we’re probably going to go somewhere. And sure enough, within a couple of weeks, we were traveling to various parts of Kentucky and Tennessee looking for other places to live. We were both on board with a little more space. And then we settled on Kentucky.
And we found a home that is absolutely beautiful, that is everything that I want. And it may not be everything that Ron wants because Ron loves new houses. I love older homes. This house is about 30 years old, and it’s got mature landscaping, and I am right now as I’m recording this, I’m looking at this gorgeous view in front of my eyes. It’s like eye candy for me.
So I love that we’re here. And everything happened so quickly. And it worked out so well for us. It was easy. It was effortless, and here we are. And mean effortless to the point… As much as you could be, I guess, because our house is still full of boxes. We’re working on that.
But the reason that I’m sharing that with you is because I didn’t think of this at all. I just played with the energy of it for a while. I didn’t know what it was going to look like. I didn’t even know that it was going to materialize.
What I’ve discovered over the years, the more I do the type of work that I share with you here inside the podcast, that I teach and coach inside our Soulful Business Revolution Program, and coming up NLP Sales School — that’s going to be so much fun. That starts in a few weeks… As we’re doing all of the work and all of the teaching and the coaching in there, the process proves inside over and over and over again.
And the way that it does is it makes getting your outcomes so much easier. It’s like finding efficient ways to get there, finding shortcuts that allow you to make progress and that perhaps aren’t really the shortcuts but are simply the best way to get there. But because we’re so conditioned that things have to be difficult, that sometimes we take the long way around when there are efficiencies built into our lives that when we can align with them, we have access to them.
It’s been quite fascinating and fun, and I feel like a spectator in my own life right now because things are just kind of happening and unfolding. And it feels so good.
Yesterday we ran our Let It Go Workshop, which we do a few times a year, but this time we did it specifically for the end of the year. We’re calling it a tradition because I’ve done it twice now, so we’re going to do it again at the end of this year, and somebody in there said something that was really powerful that stuck with me. And that’s the reason that I’m sharing this episode with you.
What she said was that as someone who is a head of household, as someone who is starting her business, that the information that is out there is about the nuts and bolts of things which is useful, for sure, and we need it because that’s how we learn how to do the things that we need to do in our business. But that there is so little spoken about the mindset required and the mindset work that helps us make the most of the nuts and bolts and strategy information that is available to grow our businesses and to be the successful head of household in our lives and in our families.
And I couldn’t agree with her more because the Let It Go Workshop was all about healing. It was all about letting go of the past. It was all about communicating directly with the unconscious mind and working directly with the unconscious mind to create change at an unconscious level that the participants could take with them as they go on for the rest of the year.
Like I said in the workshop and I tell you now, no singular workshop is going to change absolutely everything in your life throughout the workshop. It’s not possible I really don’t think. I mean, I guess it’s possible. I have yet to see it. But what I have definitely seen is when you can take those mindset components and begin to apply them consistently, starting with the workshop, they can open a door. They can lead to a shift in direction, a direct perspective. And in doing so, you can take action that aligns with that new shift in perspective and then create momentum to create more of what you want.
And what I want for you is the same thing I’ve always for you. I want you to have whatever the heck you want as long as it’s really good for you, as long as it feels good to you in the having of it.
What I have experienced in my coaching practice as I see my clients inside our Revolution coaching program, as I teach people how to use NLP in their lives and in their businesses, what I’ve discovered is that you all are always contending with two of you. And me too, by the way.
There is the you that you believe to be you, how you perceive yourself in this moment, and that includes the image that you try to portray and then what happens in the background when you look in the mirror and the things that you say to yourself when that happens, the things that you believe about yourself, the internal dialog going on, that self-talk.
And then there is a that you that is the pure potential you, the you that you aspire to be.
And we’re living this constant tug-of-war between the two selfs. Of course, we know about duality and working with the shadow and all of that stuff — yes, yes, yes. I get that. But here I want to make it really practical for you. It’s really simple.
The concept was developed by Carl Rogers who talked about congruence. The man changed the world of psychology and how therapists engaged with their clients because he talked about therapy being a whole-person process and that as therapists are doing therapy with their clients or their patients, that the focus is on improving the overall quality of that person’s life.
Carl Rogers also said that human beings, who we really are as a whole is that we are designed for fulfillment and joy and wholeness and success and that ultimately we are created for self-actualization, meaning that it is hardwired in you to want to go for the more.
And when you can surrender to that fact, then you can begin to puruse the more that you seek with joy. He didn’t say that. I’m telling you that.
So bridging the gap between you and you is what this work is about because we’re always fighting with those two selves, typically fighting with the self that we think we are and sometimes resenting the self that we want to be. But the two selves are part of the same spectrum. They are. It’s just you, from my perspective, closer to who you really are, meaning that ideal self, and you now as you have been conditioned to believe yourself to be, based on experience, based on upbringing, based on your behavior now, based on the thinking that you currently hold. But the bridging of the gap is possible.
And the thing that I would love for you that I want all my clients to get, that I want everybody in Revolution to get, that I want every one-on-one client to get, that I want every student of NLP to get, that I want you, whether you’ve ever met or know anything about me besides the podcast to get is this:
That the bridging of the gap between you and you — because they’re both you from the point of view of your conscious mind. They both exist. But the bridging of that gap is a process. It isn’t about blinking your eyes and — boom — there you are. It isn’t about that.
It is about you having an awareness of where you are in this moment and where you want to be and the change that you want to create. And if you can make that be the singular objective of your whole life, I have a feeling that everything in your life would begin to work out because so many of our problems stem from things like comparison and competition where we’re constantly comparing ourselves to other people in our world, whether we know them personally or we see them out there on YouTube or Instagram or Facebook or LinkedIn or whatever you see them, or we’re competing with the people in our lives for the things that we want, that we think we have to compete for.
And this is usually when our ego gets the best of us, and we think that competition actually does something for us when science has proven that it actually doesn’t. It can motivate you to some degree, but ultimately, your unconscious mind generalizes information, and so competitions says, “In order for me to win, someone else has to lose, and if they win, it means I lose.”
So you’re always on guard, which isn’t good for your nervous system, versus saying, “So this is how I perceive myself to be. This is the me now, and I what I aspire to is over there, and the only thing I’m going to do is take action to get closer and closer to that there that I seek.”
And if you were to do that, competition goes away. Comparison goes away because the only thing you’re doing is noticing the progress that you’re making and how much closer you are to where you wanted to be, which, by the way, does a lot of good things for you.
The first thing that it does — not the first thing, but it’s definitely one of the big things that it does, is that it helps shift what we know as the direction filter. And I’ve talked about the direction filter here quite a bit. That is our tendency to be motivated by pain or pleasure. Pain is “I’m going to focus on the thing that I don’t want, and it’s really bothering me. I’m going to look at that while I’m making progress towards what I want. But I’m going to keep my focus on this pain.” And the pain is going to motivate you to take action.
And when you’re motivated by pleasure, you’re directing your focus towards what you want. And you are seeing the target in front of you, and you’re moving closer and closer to it. The difference is that when you’re motivated by pain, the moment that you stop feeling the pain or the pain softens for you, sometimes we lose motivation, and actually, a lot of the times we lose motivation and slip back.
When you’re motivated by pleasure and by moving towards what you want, the target gets bigger and bigger and bigger as you get closer to it, and then you just simply are building momentum. And it allows you to get there even faster.
The majority of the problems that I see in people when they are doing this work is that as they’re making progress, they have one eye on the thing that they don’t want, and then all of a sudden, that thing becomes really compelling.
And even if they were in toward motivation for a day or two, by day three or four or five, they’re looking at that thing that they don’t want, and before you know it, they feel like they’re slipping back, and they feel stuck and that they’re not making progress.
When if they could make the logical, conscious decision that the key is to focus on what you want so I can get there — so you focus on what you want so you can get there, and that becomes the singular focus — it wouldn’t take very long for your direction filter to be toward what you want instead of away from what you don’t want.
There are some things to do in order for you to bridge the gap between you and you.
The first is going to be that it’s important for you change your thinking. No biggie. I know, listen, it’s a big one. But changing your thinking happens a little at a time. Changing your thinking, you can start right this second. It’s not a one-and-done. It’s a practice just like yoga. It’s a practice just like anything else.
It’s a practice like when I decided to run a half-marathon, and I started watching videos of the Boston qualifying process when people were going to the Boston Marathon. I would have never made it inside there. Those guys had been running forever and had trained to run that way for such a long time where this was my very first half-marathon. I was just lucky that I finished it. It’s a process.
Had I continued to run more and more, chances are that right now I could potentially qualify for the Boston Marathon if it was of interest to me.
So changing your thinking starts with the thought that you’re thinking now.
And you don’t really need to think about your thoughts, but it’s important to know that you can’t stop thinking about anything without first thinking about it. In other words, the things that come into your awareness are going to tell you what you’re thinking about. And the way to know what you’re thinking, a lot of the times has to do with what you’re feeling. So when you are walking around checking on your state, checking on how is it that I’m feeling right now, chances are that there are going to be some thoughts there running that.
So when you’re feeling that feeling inside of “I don’t feel so good,” I would be a really good time to become to reframe your unconscious mind and say, “I don’t want to think this thought. What thought could I think that’s going to allow me to feel a little bit better?”
Because what we’re aiming for is always a little bit better. It’s not a lot better. I would love it if you could just simply go from black to white and be like 100% better, but chances that that that’s not going to happen for you. It doesn’t happen to most of us. Usually the best that we can do is going to be to create a level of improvement from where we already are.
And in that improvement, it means that we’re bridging that gap. So changing the thoughts that you’re thinking is going to really help you.
The thoughts to think are going to be thoughts about the things that you want in your life without judging them or being mad at the thing that you want for not being here. And sometimes thinking about what you want feels too far-fetched, and it can be really painful. I remember thoughts days.
I’m going to encourage you to think about the things that you want and then ask yourself this question:
If I have that thing that I want, what is it going to do for me? Or what is it going to make me feel?
And then focus on the thing that feels the easiest for you.
Let’s say that what you want in your life is going to be a steady stream of income and that right now it isn’t there. And this can be really uncomfortable, and it can be quite painful. So what you want is to have, in this moment, from your point of view, the solution is going to be get a lot of money. But as you think of getting a lot of money, all the negative emotions come in because it’s not here yet. And you know it’s not here yet. And it feels even worse. And you’re like “Yeah, I can think about it, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be here.”
I get it. I hear this all the time, by the way, from people when they’re like “Yeah, but it’s true.”
“But it’s true” just means that you have focused on it so much that your unconscious mind went to work and created it for you.
So you know that the money is going to do it, but the thinking of getting the money, you’re like “I don’t know how I’m going to do, so then I’m going to feel really bad about it, and then I’m just really more frustrated and overwhelmed and confused.”
So then in order to bypass that, you can ask yourself, “If I did have all that money, what would I feel inside?” And you are immediately going to go into things like “I would feel relief.” Or maybe you wouldn’t feel relief.
I can tell you that when I think of the things I’m going to say next, if I were to chuck them up and say what they’re an example of, a lot of the times it would be relief. So let’s say you’re going to feel at ease. “I would feel like I have stability.” “I would feel like everything is okay.” “I would feel safe.”
I’m going to encourage you to focus on that because in this moment, can you remember a time when you felt totally safe? And I know if you’re listening, you might be like “Nope.” I know…
Let’s just say maybe it’s going to be that you felt comfortable. Can you remember a time when you were totally comfortable? And just focus on that feeling. And that’s going to help change the filter in that direction over time. The thinking changes.
If you feel comfortable, what was another time I felt comfortable? And then when I felt comfortable, what else did I feel?
Maybe in your comfort, then you felt more at ease. Maybe in your at-ease-ness, then maybe you went into safety. And then if you went into safety, you could go deep into trust. And then by the time you get to trust, maybe from there you feel inspired because you feel safe. You’re in trust, so therefore inspiration is next.
And then as you were so inspired, maybe you felt motivated. And when you were so motivated, you were just so eager to take action, and you were so excited.
And before you know it — I’m telling you — two minutes later you’re feeling better. So that’s the first thing to do.
And this is about you doing this consistently. This is process. This is something that you do every day at every moment of the day that you possibly can. And you know when you need to do it when your state gets away from you and all of a sudden you find yourself in a crappy mood. This is when you do this stuff.
“What is it? This is bugging me. What do I want instead? I want that thing. When I think about it, it really bugs me that it isn’t here. So what would that do for me or make me feel inside?” And then you start focusing on that.
I’m telling you things that I’ve told you a hundred times. I’m just telling you in different ways, but it’s so consistent. This is the thing about NLP and the way that it works with the mind. It’s very, very simple.
We do all kinds of things, all kinds of techniques, all kinds of strategies. You have the tools and the linguistic principles and all of that. But for what? What’s the purpose? So that you can feel better. That’s it. When you can feel better, you can do better.
And then you’re focusing on your thinking, the thought is precursor to the words that come out of your mouth. Then you really make it a priority to care about what you say and how you say it. What you say and how you say it. That means pausing before you open your mouth to say those words.
The thought is going to be the language that’s internal. The words that you share with the world that are audible are going to be the language that you use when you’re communicating with other people.
Thinking about what you say and how you say it will allow you to pause and use language in a constructive fashion. NLP has a presupposition that says that the meaning of communication is the response you get. And this applies to everything for me.
NLP usually talks about this in the context of you having conversation. I think about this in the context of me talking to myself, that the meaning of the communication that I have with my unconscious mind is going to be the response I get. So what I’m telling my unconscious mind is what’s showing up in my world. So if things are working out for me, my unconscious mind and I are in rapport, and we get each other.
If things are not working out for me, then I have some work to do to communicate with my unconscious mind in a way that my unconscious mind is going to get what I want it to do.
So the meaning of communication is the response you get. That means using words that are going to help you advance your conversation in the you want it to go. That means saying things that are going to be constructive for others. That also means stop complaining and stop criticizing and internally stop judging others. That’s a tall order, I know. But I promise you it’s all for you because remember that your unconscious mind takes absolutely everything personally.
The person that you’re complaining about, to your unconscious mind, is you. The person that you’re judging, to your unconscious mind, is you. The person that you’re resenting, to your unconscious mind, is you.
Being mindful of the words that you use and how you use them in everything you do is going to save you a ton of time, even if it takes some in the beginning.
And I get it. I have clients who say that it’s important for them to unload the things that are on their mind in order for them to feel better. Sure, sometimes I can see where that could happen.
The problem with that though is your unconscious mind is open for business 24 hours a day. So your unconscious mind is paying attention, and the only thing that your unconscious mind does is that it takes whatever you’re focusing on, the words that you’re using, the emotion behind the words that you’re feeling, and creates neural networks for them so that you can activate them the next time you need them. And you can do it even faster. This is how your unconscious mind is so dang efficient.
What I encourage you to do is to, instead of opting to complain or judge or criticize, is going to be to find a way to soothe yourself by thinking the thought that’s going to help you feel better, giving yourself a breather, changing your physiology a bit — going for a walk, doing some exercise, playing some good music — and then maybe have the conversation.
And on that, by the way, in terms of language and using it in a way that’s going to be constructive is that we limit the people in our lives by the things that we think about them and the words that we use to speak to them.
So when you have a situation that’s troubling you, the best thing that you can do for yourself is to speak to yourself in a way that allows you to step into solution, simply telling your unconscious mind, “Show me the easiest, fastest, best way to get there that’s going to feel the best,” and just focusing on that.
I have clients that have people in their lives that perhaps are not doing the best that they can be doing in the moment, that are struggling in some way. And I always time them to see them as completely whole, happy, healed, fulfilled, joyous, successful. Do your very best to create that picture in your mind and hold onto it for dear life, as best you can. And then magically things begin to work out because it’s all you. At the end of the day, you’re the one who is perceiving the information. You’re just giving your unconscious mind more tools to be able to perceive things in a way that’s really going to help you.
Number three. There were three things. I don’t think I mentioned that. Number three is going to be for you to take action to bridge that gap. Taking action to bridge the gap. This is consistent action.
I promise you that if you could do this consistently, your life is going to change. If you can do this consistently without choking the result to death… We talk about this in Revolution. People are like “I’m focusing on what I want. I’m focusing on what I want. I’m focusing on what I want, and it isn’t here yet. What’s the problem?”
The problem is that when we’re focusing on what we want, for me, that’s almost like saying to a client who is going into hypnosis and I tell them to close their eyes and they keep one eye open. You’re focusing on what you want, but you’re making sure you’re in that right direction.
Yes, we want to focus on what you want, and you want to take action to achieve those things that you want. And here, you’re taking action to bridge the gap between the you and the you. And this is a nose-to-the-ground, chipping-away-at-it experience.
I believe we talked about this in Revolution too where I said it’s like the first time I felt like an adult enough to make my own Thanksgiving turkey. It didn’t go well. Our whole family was getting together, and that was my big moment. I was a newly married woman, the first time, and I thought, “Now it’s time for me to make my own turkey.”
So I put the turkey in the oven, followed all of the instructions, I thought, and not knowing when the turkey would be done, I kept opening the oven door to see it, look at it, and marvel at the beauty of the thing that I was creating.
And so I kept opening the door and opening the door over and over again, not knowing that I was letting the heat out the entire time.
By the time we got to my mom’s house with my beautiful turkey that looked gorgeous on the outside — I guess a little too plump for people, as they said — and when they tried to eat it, the first thing they noticed was that it was raw. The closer you got to the bone, the meat was just simply not cooked. And the other thing I did is I never took the little bag with the giblets and all that other stuff out and the turkey neck and all that that was inside the cavity. I didn’t know that that was a thing.
The reason I’m sharing that is because as you are working to bridge the gap, this is process. This is about you knowing, “This is where I want to be.” And in order to do the thing that I want to achieve, which is closer to that ideal self, my actualized self, then it’s important that I learn this thing or that thing. It’s important that I get this resource or that I change my thinking in this way or that I begin to have some flexibility in my behavior or that I open the channel of communication with my unconscious mind, and so I’m just going to focus on doing that.
It’s simply about chipping away at it. And when you can chip away at it consistently for a little while, your unconscious mind will get so onboard, so onboard that the change happens quickly. It doesn’t take very long.
I take that the majority of my time spent, whether I’m coaching with a client outside of regular NLP techniques, when I’m coaching with a client, some I’m coaching in Revolution, when I’m teaching NLP, I’m wanting to do my very best to compel you to just stick with it for a little while. When you stick with it for a little while, you get to make progress. And when you make progress, you get to create momentum. And as you’re creating momentum, the goal gets closer and closer, and it’s more exciting for you, and it feels so good.
And before you know it, you have bridged the gap. And then what’s going to happen is that you’re going to want something else. And then you’re going to work to bridge the gap again. There will never come a time when you — as in you now — and your actualized self are completely overlapping. There will always be a little gap there. And that is there intentionally, I think.
The reason the gap is there is so that you can continue to pursue your excellence, your magnificence because it’s there.
So that is how you do it. And I’m just so glad that you’re here. Listen, I’m grateful and love so much that you’re listening to this. And I’m going to encourage you to keep doing that. Everything in this podcast is about your mindset and utilizing your mindset so that you can create the things that you want in your business and in your life because I want you to have all of it. You should have all the joy that you want, all the love that you want, all the success that you want, all the money that you want. You should have all of it. And I think that you’re going to find that as you learn to bridge that gap that all the things that you’re wanting begin to shift. And the how you get there becomes less important, and it just becomes about you knowing that that’s where you’re going.
And before you know it, you’re being guided in that direction, and it’s easy for you to go where you’re supposed to be.
That is all I have for you today.
We have a brand new training. If you’re listening to this, it’s happening next week, so I hope that you can go to the website to get it. You can go visit SoulfulNLP.com to access to new training which is called Sales Mindset Makeover, and it’s going to be a five-day training. It’s going to be frickin’ fabulous. It’s all about your mindset so that you can close more sales. But it really is about your mindset overall. So come and join us, please.
And then we have NLP Sales School which is starting in a couple of weeks. Super excited. There is so much good stuff happening. Come and join me. Please rate and review our podcast. Your reviews are really critical to our success and our growth, and it’s been super exciting because we are being found by people all over the place, and it is wonderful to have you guys listen in. It’s an honor and a joy to share this space with you.
I’m going to think nothing but wonderful thoughts for you, for the you that is here right now is making your way to the you that is the actualized self, you’ve got this. You can do it. I believe in you. There is nothing but goodness in here. And I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you until the next time we meet.